


Into the Dark

by FiveLeafClover



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Suicide, but Cal's there and stops it, so no suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2019-05-19 03:36:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14865857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveLeafClover/pseuds/FiveLeafClover
Summary: Ethan has an incurable and degenerative disease. No matter how hard he tries, he can't get his head around it. So he prepares to do the one thing to stop it.





	Into the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> [backdated fic, originally posted on fanfiction/net under the username InfinityAndOne, posted here 07/06/18]

He walks. Not slowly, not quickly. He walks because his legs are guiding him, but his mind is ready. He has one destination and one desire. No one will stop him, he's sure of it. No one has the right to stop him because it's his choice; his future; his life.

He finds himself on a cliff-side. It's ironic that he chose this place to die when the person who gave him Huntington's died at the same bay. He realises he wants to be close to Emilie. Matilda died in a nursing home, and if Ethan didn't do this now, he would also die in a nursing home.

But he would die alone. Old and without family. Cal would have his own family: his own life. Ethan wouldn't have a partner, because they'd turn into a carer and he couldn't do that to someone. Or they'd run as soon as the disease started, and Ethan would feel even more alone. Was that even possible?

He would never have kids either. How could he when he could pass the gene on? He would never be able to subject his children to what he feels.

A part of him hates Emilie. Hates her for what she's done. But he also respects her. She'd been through a lot, but she didn't seem scared.

If only Ethan could be so brave.

He thought bitterly that if Emilie didn't have children, he wouldn't have the gene. But she wouldn't have known. The odds that Ethan would get the gene were the same as Cal getting it, or neither of them getting it.

But it was also the same as both getting it.

How could she be so… so selfish?

But it wasn't selfish, Ethan reminded himself. Even if he didn't have the gene, he could have developed something else in later life. Growing up was always a gamble.

He looks down at the drop. He knows what height would kill you. This certainly would. He wouldn't survive this. Not at all. Finally he could be free from feeling this.

He wouldn't be a burden on Cal. He wouldn't have to try and live happily when all he can think about are symptoms. He wouldn't have to risk falling in love. He wouldn't have to go through the horror of Huntington's, knowing when it started, his life was over.

He lets the corners of his mouth lift ever-so-slightly. This was his final moment on earth and he felt as light as a feather. His feet were firmly on the ground but he felt like he was flying. Flying free above the clouds because he knew he would be gone in a few moments. All things considered, he couldn't be happier.

"Ethan." He hears Cal's voice from behind him and then he's as heavy as rocks. He's not flying anymore. He's falling.

He steps forward - feet now half-off the cliff-side. His limbs start to feel heavy but he wishes he could feel light again. He was… he was happy like that.

He hears Cal as he comes closer, then he can practically feel his brother's presence behind him.

"Ethan," he says again. "Don't do this."

Ethan expects him to be angry, but Cal is calm. He's calm and he talks softly. It's strangely comforting, Ethan realises, but not as comforting as looking over the cliff-side.

"How did you find me?" Ethan hates the sound of his own voice. It sounds alien to his own ears. It sounds wounded; damaged. But he's not wounded. He's not damaged. If anything, he's dead. His body is a mere shell for his consciousness. All he has to is jump, and then his consciousness will be dead too.

"It's six in the morning, Eth. I was worried about you."

"So you followed me?" Ethan asked harshly.

"You don't have to do this, you know. We can get you help."

Ethan feels arms wrap around him. It feels like being trapped as he's dragged from the side of the cliff. He wants to kick and scream but his energy is limited and all he feels like doing is disappearing.

Cal turns him around but keeps a tight hold of Ethan's arms.

"I don't want help," he says brokenly. "I just want to die, Cal. Please. You walk away. Go back to bed. You don't need me, Cal."

"I can't lose you, Ethan. You're my little brother!"

"You will lose me as soon as that blasted disease sets in! I can't do this anymore, Cal. I can't!" he shouts, finding something within him that allows him to push Cal away and walk back to the edge. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life watching for symptoms, being wary about people I like, stopping you from living a normal life. Then when it kicks in, I can't just wait until it finally destroys me."

"But-"

"-I cared for Mum for years, Cal. I watched her deteriorate until she died. I can't have you doing the same for me. You need a life."

"And what sort of a life would it be if my little brother killed himself? I had the chance to stop him and he still did it. I can't tell my children that their uncle was a coward and ducked out!"

Ethan spins around, eyes blazing with fury. "I am not a coward!" He sinks to the ground as his legs become too weak to hold him. "I'm not strong enough to hold on, Cal. I don't want this life. I want to be happy… that's all I want."

Cal approaches him and kneels down in front of him.

"I do too, Ethan, but this isn't the way. You could have so much time left. What about becoming a consultant, eh?"

"How can I be a consultant if my hands are shaking?" he says miserably.

Cal takes a moment to reply. "Deep down, I know you don't want this."

"Deep down lies a gene that will slowly kill me, so forgive me if I want to get there first."

Cal begins to speak again, but the words are lost on Ethan's ears as he glances down at his hands.

They start to shake.

"Cal – look." He holds his hands out to his brother. "I'm shaking. I'm shaking, Cal. It's started – look! It's started! Cal, it's started!"

Cal grasps both of his hands and holds them tightly, almost as if he's trying to stop the trembling.

"You're scared and you're worried and you're cold. That's what's causing this. It hasn't started, Ethan. I promise you. Do you really think it would start the minute you come up here to end it all?"

"But it has, Cal! I'm not cold - it really has started!"

"You are, Eth. You're frozen. It's a wonder you're still shaking considering how cold you are. Look, you have goosebumps. So, that means, you're cold."

Ethan vaguely registers the goosebumps on his skin, but it doesn't change a thing. One day it would have started, but until then this will keep happening. He can't live like this.

"I need to go, Cal," he whispers. "I need to do this, and you can't stop me." He snatches his hands from Cal's grasp, but he doesn't stand. He can't stand because Cal suddenly hugs him. Tightly. As if he's trying to force all the air out of Ethan's body.

"I love you, Ethan," he mutters into his shoulder. "Which is why you can't do this. I will never let you do this. I will be with you every step of the way. Even if you don't want me to be, I want to be. Because you're my little brother and I will protect you until the last breath in my body. I am not letting you do this."

Ethan shrinks into Cal's embrace and starts to sob, clinging onto Cal's jacket. "Please help me, Cal," he whispers through sobs.

"I can't take it away, Ethan. But I will help you and support you. You have to talk to me, but I will be here. Always."

Ethan's breath comes in hiccupping gasps and he continues to cry - drawing his strength from Cal. "Don't leave me."

"I won't. Ever. I love you, Ethan. And don't you dare forget it," Cal says as he holds Ethan's cold and crying body against his.

"I'm scared," Ethan whimpers.

"So am I, so let's do it together. You are not alone in this. You have me. You will always have me."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I've been absent from writing for a while, I haven't been well. I hope to start up again soon.


End file.
